I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
