Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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