who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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