If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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