Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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