mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
