I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
