I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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