I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
