...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
