Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
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is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
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I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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