he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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