i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
