she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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