I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
