I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
