My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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