I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
This couple is walking their pig around campus
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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