I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We just shotgunned beers for America
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
