Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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