I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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