We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
