i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
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She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Drunk is not a location!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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