Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
