Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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