If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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