Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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