she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
