I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
