I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
