I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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