Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
