So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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