I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
