I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
