I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
