Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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