meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
my poor anus
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
