Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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