found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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