She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
