Need sex. Gaining weight.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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