Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
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I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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