I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
