Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
