Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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