So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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