omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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