Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
