me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
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we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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