Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
