I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
