Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
