I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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