My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
