Nicole vs. Life
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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