OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
apparently the secret to your success is patron
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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